Second marriage – difficulties with the children of the partner

Question:

I am married a second time (I did not have children) and my husband came into marriage with two previous marriages. They are good children who love them and I love them. But … their very existence makes me feel sick, having a relationship with his ex-wife, the high alimony he pays and the attention they demand. We have two children in common and as time goes on I can not get used to this reality and I feel like it’s “bigger than me”. My husband understands me but on the other hand he is a wonderful father (not only to his great-grandchildren), whose children do what they want with him (taking as much money and manipulating him all day). Sometimes he wants a divorce but is afraid of the children. I would be happy to have an advise.

Answer:
You describes a marriage system in which the relationship sounds very good. Your husband understands your difficulties, even though they meet him in a very difficult place for him.

In addition, you say that his children are good children, and are in good relationship with you. One of the most significant difficulties in a second marriage is to make contact with the partner’s children in a healthy manner.

It sounds like you’ve set up a wonderful new family, and you have a lot to celebrate.

At the same time, you describe considerable difficulties, which stem from the difficulty in accepting the reality in which the heart of your husband is actually divided between you and his children.

It’s not easy, but it’s important to understand that this is a fact of life in a second marriage.

With all the difficulty, it is very important that you realize that to a certain extent you are placing your husband in an impossible situation. Your husband is secretly required to choose between the people most dear to him, that is, his or her children.

I think that the best for you and for him is for you to accept that his children will always be dear to him, and he will try to invest the best for them.

A second marriage is always a complex thing, but your marriage is a wonderful marriage, which you wish to lose.

Only after you can bring yourself to a place of acceptance of this fact can you talk to him about the limits that you think he should place on his children. As of now, you are emotionally involved, so you can help him in a constructive and constructive way, so I recommend that you keep your education at his discretion.

As for the relationship with his ex-wife, if it is a relationship that seems to go beyond the limits of the essential and necessary relationship for the common purpose of the children, talk to your husband about it. But take into account that in this matter, too, you must accept that a certain relationship is necessary because they are jointly responsible for the education of dear and beloved children.

If you find it difficult to accept things, I suggest that you find a psychotherapist in your area and work with it.

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